Mobile Access Needed.

I will probably be blogging through Tumblr from now on. I like the easier access to photos, quotes, and the mobile application. I will keep this blog, for now, until I can determine whether Tumblr works as well as I need. Thanks for reading. :)

I hit a stop sign. Do I turn left or right?

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Well, not in some situations but rejection can definitely be used a fuel for the soul. I recently applied to a blogging site, which I have always wanted to do, and was rejected. Understandably, since I have no real experience. This blog is the only material I had to offer, mind you. This, however, was a breath of fresh air. I was bummed about not being who they were looking for but someone is looking for me. There is a site out there that needs Jade and her infinite wisdom. I need to rekindle my passion for writing, whether it be topics on current events or short stories. I have notebooks full of poems, lyrics, and stories; why did I stop?

This is a short and sweet post for my dear, dedicated, and few readers. Rejection is not a dead end. It is a sign that says "Veer Right". Take the path and keep on trucking. You'll eventually
find where you need to be and I will, too.

If you can't say something nice, say it to me and let me dwell on it forever.

There is a thin line between being too sensitive and others not being sensitive enough. I take a lot of things personally, I know. It is one of my greatest weaknesses. In my madness, I sometimes think that people say things without thinking but since I am constantly upset over something, it doesn't matter; I'll just move on eventually. I know there are other people like me. People who hear things and absorb it to the point they over think every bit of the previous conversation. They worry constantly about other's issues and get upset because there is nothing they can do. I know there are other people who live in their head so much that they can be up at 4:46 in the morning, blogging because their mind is racing to the point that sleep is impossible. There has to be others like this, like me, out there. I'm not special.

That aside, let's get to my original statement. How does one know whether they are being too sensitive or whether the counterpart is not sensitive enough. (Note: I use sensitive for a lack of better word. Caring about what the people you love think about you is what I am aiming for, so sensitive will do.) Someone can say something to you in jest or out of annoyance and it can wreck your mindset. Someone can say "You really should be doing 'insert judgment' better." That is all it takes for me to dwell on it. Am I a bad friend? Is my child suffering because I fail in certain areas? Do they really think I'm doing that out of laziness instead of necessity? It is enough to make you go insane. Now, if the person at the other end knew what all went on in my head, I doubt they would say the things they say, unless they are just mean-spirited. Here comes the issue: do you want them to keep being real or have them stop communicating because your overactive feelings are hurt? Well, I can go either way, depending on the issue. Here is a good way to tell whether you are being too sensitive: if you said that to someone, would you expect them to be upset? And vice versa: if someone said what you said, how would you swallow that? That is the line. That is the simplest way to tell.

Here is my problem, however... most of the time I know I am being a baby about the conversation but I also know that the person on the opposite end would not like someone throwing what they just said in their direction. I have had a lot of conversations this week that have torn my heart from chest. Why? Mainly because I care deeply about the people giving me their opinions. More so, I take everything they say as pure gold, leaving me no choice but to over think and ultimately, feel defeated. What is easy for some is not for others. What you prepared for, I may not have. This week has been one of the most trying weeks and, whether it be my neurosis or people's lack of sensitivity, words are cutting deeper than normal. I wish I were like my husband. He is so apathetic to other people's opinions. You can literally walk up and tell him you think he is worthless. He will reply with "Okay" and go about his day. Now, I have written previously that his apathy is overly annoying, but in situations like this, I need to be apathetic. I need to think "Oh well. They're not living my life, so who cares?" Do not get this twisted, though, if you do not have my heart, your words and opinions mean nothing. Absolutely zero. They have the same effect as they would if you were screaming at a TV. You look like a fool and the TV keeps playing.

I know I need sleep. I know I need to get out of my head and focus on what matters. I also know that if the conversation would have been about the positives instead of negatives, I would have went to bed beaming instead of being morose. I write it here so I don't project. I write it here so I don't have to say "Please don't say that. It hurts my feelings." I write so someone will read this and think about which side of the battlefield they fall on and whether they should change. I write because I don't want my closest of close to dwell like I am. This is about no one and everyone that I keep in my heart-shaped box. I am working diligently on not being so sensitive. In the mean time, I am left the words I shouldn't have said and the words I wish they would have said. And my mind keeps a truckin'...

Release the Kraken!

I think it's okay to be sad. I am a person who has "battled" depression for as long as I can remember. I handle it pretty well and am not medicated but it is still something I have to deal with from time to time. It's disheartening to me that people assume there is something wrong with me or my psyche because I am not a happy-go-lucky ball of sunshine all the time. There is nothing wrong with me. I am human. One could even say that my life is so grand that when I have lull moments, it brings me down because I miss the greatness. Now, I am not here advocating sadness, depression, bitterness, or any other negative emotion, but I do think they are healthy. Is it healthy to dwell on being miserable, no. But is it okay to allow yourself to get down from time to time and have a crying fit, yes. It is completely healthy. If we were not supposed to feel frustrated or down why are our bodies geared for those moments?

There are some people who suffer from chronic depression and need medicinal and psychological help. They are void from this advice because one can have too much of a "good" thing. For the rest of the Universe, do not feel completely discouraged when you have a bad day. Your bad days humble you and allow you to better appreciate the good days. It is okay to get frustrated and cry. Crying is not a sign of weakness and I vehemently despise people who preach that notion, and trust me, I used to be one of those people. I do believe it is to be a private matter but by no means should one feel ashamed. It is a physical release. It allows your body to release all the anger, sadness and tension, letting you reset and start from ground zero. Nothing is more therapeutic than falling asleep after a good scream-into-your-pillow sob fest. So, if crying is supposed to be so bad, why do you feel slightly refreshed afterward?

Stop believing all these notions. Should one dwell on negativity all the time? No, of course not. That is no way to go through life. But if you have someone ask you if you have a "case of the Mondays," tell them "yes" and move on. As a person who fights depression, I struggle on a daily basis to keep myself calm, happy, and content. I have a husband who tries hard but is ignorant to the feelings of depression. You see, Greg suffers from apathy, but that is an entirely different blog. In my fight to "cure" my depression, I felt that I was never allowed to get upset. I wasn't allowed to have a bad day and get down in the dumps because I felt that was a slippery slope to absolute misery. I have never been more wrong. It is a natural state of mind, from time to time, and everyone deserves to feel sorry for themselves, to a certain extent. 

So, do me a favor, and strive to be happy. Look up funny photos, read a book, do something you enjoy to boost your mood. However, if you are just having one of those days where you want to watch a sad movie, eat a box of cookies, and cry yourself to sleep, do it. Make sure it's not a habit and you do not bring down those around you, but give yourself a day to be human. Wallow in your own pity and start the next day refreshed. You are human. You are flawed. You were given emotions. Use them and let your body have that release. If it becomes a problem, I advocate talking to someone; someone without an emotional connection so you can receive clear and concise advice. Otherwise, release the Kraken and let those emotions fly... every once in a while.

Happy 3rd Anniversary!!!

“But What I Got Was You”

Written By: Yours truly

I used to dream of a fairy tale marriage, when I entertained that sort of thing.
An endless love, like my grandparents shared, a house, a diamond ring.
But what I got was you.

I wanted a passionate man who would fight with me, or for me, when I so desired.
A man who had a doctorate in a prestigious field, that companies would fight to hire.
But what I got was you.

I wanted a man with black hair and blue eyes picked straight from the movie screen.
A man who made all the girls blush, coo, awe, and scream.
But what I got was you.

I wanted a man who made other men cower while treating me like a queen.
A man who put me in my place, without being too harsh or mean.
But what I got was you.

I could have a man who loved me only when I was pretty and thin.
A man who chastised me as I got too heavy because I embarrased him.
But what I got you.

I could have a man that stole my heart, along with every other woman in the town.
A man who would cheat on me, break my spirit, and thrive on bringing me down.
But what I got was you.

I could have a man who used me for my love and left me alone in despair.
A man who would forget his children without remorse or a single care.
But what I got was you.

I could have a man that scorned me, leaving me praying for the ability to forget.
A man who ruined every future relationship, leaving me with anger and regret.
But what I got was you.

You may not be my childhood dream but you are everything a husband, father, and life partner should be.
I will love you until time stands still, until the stars fall from the sky, until the last breath I have leaves me.
Because all I have is you.

I closed NASA for the betterment of our planet.

Do you ever feel ostracized? Completely left out because you don't fit in to someone's perfect little universe, despite how skewed their perception? Whether it be a difference in opinion, faith, lifestyles, political views, etc., you are left out of the great scheme of things. It hurts sometimes. Sometimes it angers you. However, when you get down to the bottom of it, why would you want to be a part of someone's universe if they cannot truly accept you for you?

My little family is perfect to me. We are happy. We are loved. We do not steal, we work hard, we donate, we love endlessly. We are good people. We are raising our son to be a good person, but to some, that is not enough. We do not fit into their cookie cutter world and we know why. Should that matter when it comes to those who are supposed to love you? No. It does to some people, though. Why? That is simple: pretension. Pretension separates us. In our universe, we accept wholeheartedly. In other people's universes, there are strict guidelines you must follow or you will be deemed a second class citizen. We are not now nor would we ever be that shallow and demanding. We love our closest of close, differences and all. We do not care how they come to our universe as long as they want to be there, to share our lives and experiences. Some, however, do not think this is enough.

This is why I am where I am. I was angry. Why would they not want to be a part of our family? Why would they categorize us? Why are we beneath others in their universe? My anger has now turned to apathy, which is much more dangerous. I do not care anymore. I do not care if they want to be around us nor do I care if they accept us. I do not plan on making any more efforts and I have thus made a new rule to be included in my universe... "Pretentious people need not apply." We are surrounded by those who take us as we are. There is no asinine competition. They do not have requirements. They do not force us to be anyone but who we are and love us because of it. They think the sun rises and sets on my son's big, beautiful gray eyes. They helped build, shape, and nurture my universe. They are the people who remind me not to be angry; be forgiving. They remind me to ignore the faults of others because it is not my place to judge. My universe is filled with life, love, and happiness. Seeing what I have, why would I want to be a part of a universe that is based on status, forced smiles, and nonacceptance of the people I love most. I could forgive any and all of what has occurred... but that last part. Never. That last part makes you vapor in my universe. A leaf in the passing breeze. Something completely insignificant that does not have any real place or effect on my universe. You see, those people that are void of their acceptance, they are my life source. They are everything I hold dear. They will not have to deal with being second to anyone, ever. They deserve more than that and are better. I would walk through the Sahara barefoot, chewing on pine cones while juggling cobras before I ever let anyone destroy, tarnish or damage our place of contentment.

So if you ever feel ostracized or left out, determine if the universe you are being forced out of will make you a better person or are you better for not being subjected to it's inhabitants. I have determined that my universe is perfect. I see no need to go exploring other drab, judgmental planets when my own planet is so rich and full of unconditional love. That is why I am left with apathy... and a question. At the end of the day, when it is all said and done, when you are face to face with your maker, when your deeds are written, when they only thing separating you from being a memory is your judgement, are you proud of the universe you created and which universe do you think your maker would prefer?

One small step for a nobody, one giant leap for Jade.

I have taken a step and finally decided to share this blog with those I hold dear. You will probably be mentioned from time to time, never by name. I know some of you will frown upon how personal I get with this blog but this is life. More importantly, this is my life. I write to vent and to express what I can't scream at the top of my lungs. I have my husband's blessing. I think he is hopeful I will one do fulfill a small dream of mine. People will think this is silly. People will think I am over-sharing. People will think I am wasting my time. People will never understand, how much stress this relieves and how much I love writing. People don't know that not only is this not my first blog but I also keep a journal, a personal journal to Jagger, and I am notorious for writing notes. You are always welcome to share your opinion. I would actually love any feedback. Sharing this was a huge step for me. I even deleted the post twice. If I do plan on ever making anything happen with my writing, I have to delve deep and get personal. You all are the first step. Welcome to my neurosis.