It may be a little, white lie but it has a huge, black shadow...

I have come to a crossroads in my life and I have a veered a direction to keep my life's normality rather than out of necessity. That doesn't make much sense, I know, but that is the only way to explain it.

I am married.  I have always hated the idea of marriage, the last form of slavery, until I completely connected with my life partner. We connected on so many levels. All things of that nature aside, I also became pregnant within the first three months, which is odd since I was supposed to be somewhat barren. We have tried hard but I know, and he agrees, I have tried the hardest. I am not the easiest person to live with but I am a good person. I can say the things that can cut people deeper than imaginable, but at the same time, my silver tongue can put you on cloud 9. I have a horrid temper, I indulge in wine (though not excessively) and it is my way or the wrong way. But that's it. Besides that, I am a loving mother, amazing cook, decent housekeeper, intelligent... hell, my positives are endless. *wink* All of my faults aside, however, my husband is brilliant on paper. He works hard, does the dishes, is an absolutely amazing father, but... he lies. Not about anything pertinent but about the most small, menial things. He would never cheat, doesn't raise a hand in anger, has no addictions, and has only raised his voice minimal times but he will bend the truth about the most asinine things possible. That lone fact has made me contemplate parting ways.

I know, silly. But how am I to know that it will not escalate.  When will a small fib turn into a huge lie. He has not shown that pattern but it worries me. I am an all or nothing type of person; it's black or white. I do not, and will not, tolerate someone lying. That is a huge slap in the face. It completely breaks ones trust and without trust, you have no relationship.  As I said, on paper, he is wonderful. A man any woman/man would love to have as her/his life partner but the fact that he will fib about the most minuscule things is almost unforgivable. Everyone lies but most lie out of necessity. If you can tell the truth  with little repercussions, you tell the truth. This is what has me at a stand still. Am I being too harsh to the man who has always struggled with this issue. He tries hard but it still happens, even if it is few and far in between. I am unforgiving and I don't know where to go from here.

I value life in a way that is almost morbid; I am prepared to die tomorrow. Do I want to spend my life with a man who I only somewhat trust because he lies about the most ignorant things? Do I leave him and break up our home? Do I try to fix this problem?  Is it my problem to fix? Does it even constitute as a problem? Life is tricky. I could not imagine my life without this amazing father and human being but the occasional white lie has me seeing red. I told him that I would be with him until death took one of us but if I catch him again  and he messes up my OCD, trusting balance, I may have to go nine kinds of crazy. It's the little things in life that matter and I fear he takes them for granted; Or maybe I do.  Who knows? What is important to one is menial to another and that is where the problem lies. I have decided to try again. I will not break up this family because of one issue, as important as it might be to me, but I cannot promise that it will not be an issue in the future.

A full bottle of cheap wine later, it's hard to forget that he broke my trust for something so unimportant...

 *Disclaimer: My husband is aware of this page. He knows I write about him. He knows I'm just working it out in the most healthy way I think possible. He is understanding. We are fine.

Hello, my awkward subordinates. I am Jade, your Queen.

I can be very socially awkward. Some of the things that come from mouth make me want to crawl into a hole and throw up a white flag. Example: I have a friend who I continually call the wrong name. She is a very good friend of mine, but from time to time I refer to her as another friend's name. We laughed it off at first but now it is so awkward that when the wrong name comes from my lips, I just want to leave the social event. I'm sure she feels that I am doing this on purpose; quite the contrary. This friend is an amazing person but they have a way of making me feel like I am complete imbecile for a simple slip of the tongue. I get defensive but quickly realize it is my on social awkwardness that makes me feel that way. I'm so awkward that I still think about things I have said years ago that was forgotten by everyone else a long time ago. I dream of time machines and righting wrongs to the point I can't sleep sometimes. I know, I am completely neurotic, but I digress. It also doesn't help that I over apologize. I apologize for everything, hoping that if I have slighted someone by chance, they will realize that I have seen the error of my ways and regret the mistake wholeheartedly. People call me abrasive because I tend to speak without thinking. I try to socialize with everyone and make them laugh. If this occurs, it almost eases the awkwardness. Almost as if I were saying, "I may have made an ass out of myself, but you laughed at my story three minutes ago, so we're even." Combine all of this, add the fact that I am a very chunky girl and throw in a dash of self-doubt, and you get a walking ball of psychosis that would make Freud run screaming to his mother. I've tried to fix some of these issues. I've tried just not going out, telling people the truth about my social issues, and just ignoring the problems altogether. Nothing works. I'm still a social mess. Luckily, I have a few very close friends who know my issues and try to help me cover my tracks. Still, it has to get very annoying sometimes. Almost as if one would look up awkward in the dictionary and see my shining face, probably apologizing profusely for using the wrong name again. If there were an island full of people who were not meant to be in social situations, I would be sent there immediately and live out my life ruling as their queen.

A blog about nothing for no one in particular.

I am nothing special. I am an ordinary person with ordinary problems. I have wanted to write a book but my lack of patience, and complete ignorance to the book writing process, made that venture unrealistic. Besides, who in the world would care about my deranged ramblings? No one may ever read this blog. I could be wasting my time. At this point, that seems completely irrelevant. I need to vent.  I want to write. I have something to say about nothing and the world deserves to ignore it completely. Therapy is too expensive; writing is a release.